For what it’s worth.

I’ve had the time of my life.

If I were to make a list of my ganap-s this year, andami. (Ganap means mga pangyayari sa buhay kong makulay) I chose to live my life according to what I really want.  As long as it made me happy, then I would go for it.

The best part?? I was with the best persons. I had the most supportive family,  best circle of friends,  and flexible work schedule. I felt like the universe is with me. From sleepovers, to weekend getaways and spontaneous adventures, to coffee dates until dawn,to late night drinking sesh and bar hopping, to movie marathons, to epic events, to gaining weight and many more. This year was definitely one for the books.

But now, I am at the point of saying “I’ve had enough”. I’m done with being so carefree and definitely done with yolo-ing. Now, I am asking myself questions like “What am I going to do now?”, “Which direction am I heading?”, “Am I ready to turn to the next chapter?”, I do not know the answer. I cannot adult. I don’t even know what to think about it. I just can’t.

I have been struggling for a few months now. The reason? I do not know. I felt that there is something wrong and I don’t know what to do about it. I am trying not to act how I feel. Some say this is the so-called quarter life crisis. I am not used to this. I feel offbeat. I miss me. I miss the person who always choose to see the positive side in every circumstances. I miss the person who chooses to stay secure no matter what.

The one good thing about this struggle is that I am starting to know myself more. I know that I am capable of loving even if I am afraid of getting hurt. I can have a healthy conversation with you even if I have a hard time translating my thoughts into words. I can fight for what/who I love even if it costs me my pride. I know what and who are important to me. I can keep my emotions until I cannot take it anymore and burst out of nowhere which is not good. Passive, sentimental, picky and moody.

At the same time, even if I am somewhat bold in some things that I intend to do, I feared the word risk, specially when it comes to life’s decisions. I only took calculated risks and it has to be in favor of me. I was guarded.  I have high walls and those walls that I’ve built also broke me. I am still the same girl who is afraid to confront her demons. Her insecurities, her weaknesses, her fear of the future, her fear of making mistakes, her fear of being not good enough, her fear of growing old alone, her fear of being the type of person who is hard to love or her fear of regrets.

Sometimes I want to run away, run away from everyone and everything. But that is me being a chicken. I would want that but it will not do anything good. At the end of the day, whatever battles I am fighting, what really matters is who I am and who I have become after everything. Soon, I can finally say “I MADE IT!”

My Prayer: Father, please search my heart, and make it clear to me where I need to be. 

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2 thoughts on “For what it’s worth.

  1. Hi Levin! I know you, you know me, we know each other. We both know you’ll get pass this phase. As to how and when that’s something we cannot answer but trust me, it will come. Just hang in there. xXx

  2. Pingback: When In Macau/Hong Kong | Chasing Grace

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