I woke up today with one word inside my head — VULNERABLE.
According to Merriam-Webster, vulnerable means:
[adjective \ˈvəl-n(ə-)rə-bəl, ˈvəl-nər-bəl\]
1: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2: open to attack or damage
I started finding quotes/sayings/tweets about that word, hoping to find something that would describe exactly how i feel. Its been a month and I think I have not been honest with my feelings to myself. I have been very positive with what’s happening. When someone asks me what happened I’ll just tell them “Ganun talaga, change of priorities, but we’re okay, we’re friends, nagtetext padin naman kami” which is really the truth. They were sad because of what happened and I feel like I need to comfort them because I disappointed them.
Last Saturday, I was in a SFC Conference, we had a session where in there are human prayer stations. You can share your doubts/fears to them (who you do not know )and then they will pray for you. At first, it was really hard, of course, I do not even know them and I will share a sensitive part of me. But, with the grace of the Lord, I was able to to share that part of me with a sister in Christ who really listened and prayed for me. It was a liberating experience. I cried my heart out and I really felt the love of the Lord through Ate Che. I felt that God is hugging me and wiping my tears. I felt that every word that is coming from Ate Che is exactly what the Lord wanted to say to me. She was an angel He sent.
I feel like I am very vulnerable. Little things can make me teary eyed. (Pero ako lang nakakaalam non 😀 )
I can rant in Twitter, I can tweet all my complains, my questions, my feelings but I will not. I can cry all night, stay in bed, not go to work but I will not. I can be alone, push away those people who love me but I will not. I can stop living my life because I am hurting but I will not. It is because I know how He loves me in spite and despite. I may lose hold of Him but He will never let go of my hand.
From what I am experiencing now, there are many times in a day that I really miss him and all I can do is a deep sigh. It is normal, I need to experience and endure these times because these are the times that makes me strong.
I thank God for giving us (Jerome and I) family and friends who were always there for me, for us. I thank them for constantly praying for us until now. I may not be able to return the favor but God will surely bless their hearts.